Limbo

For quite some time now I have no considered myself very religious in any typical sense, and yet I am likely more so than the average person. I just talk about it less than the vast majority of people. But I have always been fascinated by Catholic theology despite not following it. But I am starting to think Catholics have the timing all wrong. Limbo doesn't happen later, it is right now.

I seem to live in a constant state of limbo, not quite okay with going on each day or struggling to survive on a constant basis but not ever quite committed enough to do something about. Generally because doing something about it involves offing myself, which doesn't sound quite as bad to me as it seems to others, but giving up isn't something I've ever been good at. At least not in any way that I would have to own up to.

I'm trapped right now and have been for years now. I am in love with someone, actively and over a long period of time... six years. But they live across the country and now I am terrified to make any steps to end that arrangement. What if he moves close to me or I to him and well he just doesn't like me. What if I have spent 6 years of my life nursing this relationship and completely neglecting any sort of skill at finding another one just to find out it is all for nothing.

I am working and he is working and we are both miserable about it. We need to work and he more than I has had to fight to get work. But having to get up and do this every day of our lives until we die or get too old to enjoy life... ugh, really is that what this is all about? Then the thought of never waking up and having him there... the pressure of his arm resting over my side and pulling me to him... I won't ever make it if I can not get past this limbo.

And So It Goes...

I am often described as someones angry, bitter friend. I do not really agree with this description but I understand the root cause of it. I am angry, frequently. Not uncontrollably so, or explosively. But I am so often disappointed in the world and the people around me that I must choose to be angry or give into the despair just always laying in wait to overtake me. Although I am acutely aware of the failings of the world, and specific people I encounter I am also always overcome with the sheer sincerity and kindness of the few people that exhibit these traits that I meet.

I do not see myself as some great person who has some superior claim to judging others or deciding who is or is not worthy. But I do see myself as someone who can never quite fit into any particular role and consequently I am an outsider with a unique perspective. I never completely feel like I am a part of the groups, circles, or clusters of people with whom I associate. I always feel aloof, alone, and painfully cut off from those around me. Whether it is the horrible flaws or the uncommonly charitable nature of those interactions, I stand outside and feel outside of humanity.

But even with all of these views and experiences I consider myself utterly and disappointingly ordinary. Normal, bland, insignificant to a fault. I find it very easy to watch and not be seen by standing aloof and observing. But the moment I speak to others, involve myself in some way it is instantly known that I do not fit in, I am not one of them. My cadence is always just a beat off of the expected and known tempo. I attempt to be friendly and participate in conversations just a moment too late and I am never as interested in the topic as everyone else. I am an outsider, an other, different, too much of one thing and too little of another. Yet I am not interesting or different enough to become a novelty. I just become a quirky friend, or an angry bitter friend, or if you know me even better... a painfully disappointed romantic that is terrified to show any indication of it.