And So It Goes...

I am often described as someones angry, bitter friend. I do not really agree with this description but I understand the root cause of it. I am angry, frequently. Not uncontrollably so, or explosively. But I am so often disappointed in the world and the people around me that I must choose to be angry or give into the despair just always laying in wait to overtake me. Although I am acutely aware of the failings of the world, and specific people I encounter I am also always overcome with the sheer sincerity and kindness of the few people that exhibit these traits that I meet.

I do not see myself as some great person who has some superior claim to judging others or deciding who is or is not worthy. But I do see myself as someone who can never quite fit into any particular role and consequently I am an outsider with a unique perspective. I never completely feel like I am a part of the groups, circles, or clusters of people with whom I associate. I always feel aloof, alone, and painfully cut off from those around me. Whether it is the horrible flaws or the uncommonly charitable nature of those interactions, I stand outside and feel outside of humanity.

But even with all of these views and experiences I consider myself utterly and disappointingly ordinary. Normal, bland, insignificant to a fault. I find it very easy to watch and not be seen by standing aloof and observing. But the moment I speak to others, involve myself in some way it is instantly known that I do not fit in, I am not one of them. My cadence is always just a beat off of the expected and known tempo. I attempt to be friendly and participate in conversations just a moment too late and I am never as interested in the topic as everyone else. I am an outsider, an other, different, too much of one thing and too little of another. Yet I am not interesting or different enough to become a novelty. I just become a quirky friend, or an angry bitter friend, or if you know me even better... a painfully disappointed romantic that is terrified to show any indication of it.